Write for twenty minutes, beginning with, “If that hadn’t happened, I …” let whatever comes up, come up, write about it.

If it hadn’t happened. If I had not been abused and had to live with my mother and ignored by my family I think I would still be the person I am. I never give up. I believe my experiences were not life lessons. I believe they are hard experiences I have been through. It is important to understand that life is going to give everyone hard times. I just don’t understand why child abuse happens. What happens in the mind of someone who commits domestic violence. This is not a question to assign judgement, it is an actual question. These writing exercises have sent me through a new side of my mind and trauma. I can think of my abuse as an experience. No judgement on the experience.

My mother was mentally incapable of being a good mother, and in my opinion a good person. She is so lost in her own shit storm of thoughts that she could not acknowledge me . Her and my grandparents are people that do not provide any purpose to this life. Once again they are important parts of the universe. I am glad they exist. They just never seem to have an awareness of empathy. For my family, it seems that everyone is out to get each other. Each person that extends kindness to them will be punished and secretly ostracized. It was so common in my family to have two parties at war with one another. The teams and alliances changed so quickly that I became a more neutral party.

How can they be so blind to the wider world around them. I am guilty of not being open to the wider world myself, but I do empathize with people and the larger world. My goal is not to be mean spirited. I can feel anger, but I will continue to work on feelings of revenge. My goal is to be honest. My goal is to be genuine. I am not going to ask to tell my story. I am not going to ask permission from my family to be alive.

Beauty is in the Eye.

Day 6

1)If you’ve suffered as a result of someone else’s actions, write about the event from his or her perspective.This question is the one I am most excited to write about. I have already written about my first experience of physical abuse from my mother. It was around the 12-13. I bring up this experience to give you some background information on how we ended up in court today. The first instance of abuse I remember was in 2004. This a retelling of my experience:

“I woke up on a weekend day from school. I was in high school. My mom walks in and her speech is slurred. She begins to cry about my father. My father died at age 24 in horrific conditions. I attempt to move her away from me. My memory goes hazy at this point. I just remember her attacking me. I remember running for our landline phone to desperately call my grandfather. She went ballistic. As I reach for the telephone, she grabs it and wrestles me to the ground. She picks up the landline phone and smashes it in a picture frame. She screams at me “NO. NO NOOOOOO . Give me the phone.”

I am pleading and scream and begging for her to stop. I don’t remember what happens after this. The next day I am at my grandparents. I tell them what happens. My mom says I lied about it. And it never happened. I go back to talk to her. She is sitting in the dark, tvflashing, cigarette in her mouth. Mom you know you hurt me?“No I didn’t.” She barely looks at me when she speaks. After that I day. I am silent. I never speak of the abuse again.

After this incident, I blocked out many of my memories. Most of my high school years, my mom would leave for days at time. As I got older I worked to forgive her. Last year, my mother and I finally discussed our experiences I reached out to her to try to mend our relationship. Here is apiece of the letter I wrote to her and her response.

2: What was his background and what was going on in his life at the time?

Writing from my mothers perspective. This part below in bold is my mothers thought process during this same time I was being abused. During this time my mother was on multiple drugs.

I am doing a large amount or drugs. Usually I don’t come home for a few days, and am tired when I finally come home. My longterm boyfriend, is coming to pick me up from the plugs house. The plug was my friend, C, she was usually involved when I was on drugs. My mind is finally relaxed. Each time I think about the stress in my life, I want to numb the pain. Maybe I should go home? My boyfriend, that I am no longer with, came to drag me out of the house. C lives pretty close so my (ex) boyfriend came by multiple times. He said I have come to “drag you out of here”. I think no wonder I am with such a bum, He is the reason I am struggling. If he had only worked harder and paid for his DAMN CHILD SUPPORT.

I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIS SHITTY EX FAMILY AGAIN. Although we have been through so many times together.  I love him but he is the one that introduced me to drugs again. HE IS SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT. Might be time to go home now. I think I need a change of clothes. I think J ( Erica Brooks my daughter ) is important to me, but she is just too much to handle at this time. I AM THE ONLY ONE WORKING IN THE HOUSE. Why should I have to deal with her( Erica Brooks) when I was her age I had already stood up to my father. J has the NERVE to like her grandparents more than me. I SHOULD BE THE ONE SHE IDOLIZES. ME! I need to go home. I am exhausted. I need my ex to pick me up and take me home.

What does forgiving another person mean, and what would it take for you to forgive him or her?

After writing from my mothers perspective. She was still fairly a young person raising me as a 14 year old. I can not forgive the drug use, but I could if she had admitted to it at the time. Every time I bring it up, she would get extremely angry. After the first day of abuse, it was pretty clear that she had tried to be a superhero. Possibly to impress my grandparents. I am almost 29, and her story is really one of missed opportunity.

Quote by DB. My mother.