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PTSD: Prompts

“Continue writing your letter to the person you are most angry with. Write as much as you need to, until you feel complete.

If you have anger towards others, begin writing a letter to those people as well. Continue writing anything down regarding your anger until you feel complete with each person on your list. This may take many days to complete.”

Dear DMB,

You make me angry. You always make me angry. I think about you often. I wonder how often is too often? Do other people obsess and replay one experience with a person? Am I attracted to my anger. What does it solve? For me it is really interesting place to be in. Anger always has time for you. Anger can stay up all night, follow you into the day. It can become your best friend and worst enemy. Happiness is the hardest to achieve when you have such a heavy relationship with anger.

My anger is also attached to my feelings of embarrassment and guilt. I don’t know why I have so much guilt. I assume it is from a childhood of overall useless and strict rules and expectations. My childhood makes me upset and sad. Those memories at the different homes I moved around to. I wonder why no one protected me. Why my life had to be so hard… That question is a diluted and simple, and one that I know has no concrete answer. My gp’s are who I am the most angry with .DMB, was just mentally unstable but  gp’s were worse. They don’t know how to help or even really accept the individuals around them. They are truly heartless. There is no explanation for the ice cold and out of touch behavior.

The last conversation I had with my GP’s were when I admitted what happened to me. Meaning the abuse and mistreatment inflicted upon me from 9 on up. I remember them looking at me. The look on their faces was solemn and silent.

” Yeah I know, I am surprised you aren’t addicted to drugs.”

‘ Yeah me too’ -I responded back.

Really thinking about that statement really shows me how much they notice but don’t speak upon. Surprised, that I was not an addict. Surprised,  I wasn’t on drugs. What the hell does that mean?

‘I am in therapy now’. – Looking at them both for emotional support but it seems unlikely. In some ways I saw the worry through their eyes and silent gazes.

” I had problems with my dad as well.” – My GMA* says.

I had known about the bad experiences with GMAs father through my great aunt and my GMA’s  youngest sister. The story my aunt told me was very vague and seemed to be one of those ‘ my friend experienced this, not admitting that they are the friend that was the same from their story’ stories.

“How could a woman leave another man who loves her. This person didn’t like men who drank, but she decided to ignore that and end up with a person that was an alcoholic.” – my Great Aunt.

My response was nothing, because what else is there to say?

 

Happy Spring

Howdy

Wow its been a while since I’ve posted on my website. I have been through a pretty interesting time so far. I had the honor to be part of an Intensive Outpatient Program.

This program helped me immensely. Meeting others with who have been abused. My fears of being a liar and making up my abuse have been completely shattered. I was not a liar. I was not overreacting. Reactions are described as:

a person’s ability to respond physically and mentally to external stimuli: a skilled driver with quick reactions. an adverse physiological response to a substance that has been breathed in, ingested, or touched: such allergic reactions as hay fever and asthma. a chemical process in which two or more substances act mutually on each other and are changed into different substances, or one substance changes into two or more other substances.

Who am I without my abuse? For so long I ignored it, I pushed it away. My mother would often just yell at me and call me outside my name. Or she would use my middle name. This is why I want and will change it. my chosen name is Erica Beatrix Brooks.

Erica: Everkingly.  Beatrix : Bringer of Joy. Brooks: A Stream.

The King Who Brings Joy Like A Stream.

There are so many connections within my name given and chosen. My instagram tag is  :Exploration of the Wave. To explore means

:ravel in or through (an unfamiliar country or area) in order to learn about or familiarize oneself with it