If I want it Might as well ask.

This post is just to remind me that is okay to want for things.

Material things

  • Apple Pencil
  • Trip to hawaii, japan, paris, south africa and berlin. I want to spend at least a month in each place.
  • A new or semi used prius, or audi.
  • Shopping Spree.($30,000)
  • clothing rack
  • nails done

Professional Goals:

  • Have a well paying job ASAP.
  • Get an actual job.
  • Continue to work on my business plan. Until first draft due next feb.
  • Recieve funding for my space
  • Have an income over $100,000 a year.
  • Ability to take off as much time as needed.
  • My License to be an art therapist.
  • Researching more about mood and personality disorders.

Artistically,

  • Sell all my artwork from previous shows.
  • Continue trainin my voice.
  • Continue mock preformances.
  • Positive international succes in art and singing.
  • To have my own unique style.
  • Work with beyonce on a joint tour.

Romantically and Spiritually.

  • Get married.
  • Buy a house and a vacation home.
  • Move at least one or two times.
  • Adopt child(ren)
  • Start moving past my family issues.
  • Enjoy life and keep falling in love.

 

 

This may come, this may come as some surprise
But I miss you
I could see through all of your lies
But still I miss you

He takes her love, but it doesn’t feel like mine
He tastes her kiss, her kisses are not wine, they’re not mine

He takes, but surely she can’t give what I’m feeling now
She takes, but surely she doesn’t know how

Is it a crime,

Is it a crime,
That I still love  you

And I want you to love  me too?

M y   l o v e   i s   w i d e r, w i d e r   t h a n  V i c t o r i a  L a k e
My love is taller, taller than the Empire State

It dives and it jumps, and it ripples like the deepest ocean
I can’t give you more than that. Surely you want me back

Is it a crime,
Is it a crime?
I still want you
And I want you to want me too

My love is wider than Victoria Lake
Taller than the Empire State
It dives and it jumps


I can’t give you more than that. Surely you want me back 

Depression. Obessesion

Depression. Obsession.

I hate to admit this, but I used to love feeling depressed. It felt like it was me against the world. I have always felt older than my age. Most likely from having to emotionally take care of my mother and no break from school or any responsibility. No lazy summers, no down time without a chaotic set of parents placing me in disputes.

I was forced to be a child when it came to things that would help me gain independence: going out, making my own decisions about my body, or having any privacy.

I was also forced to be emotionally an adult when my mom came home crying or in a fit of rage and destroyed the house, destroyed my peace, and fought with my step father.

 

Depression was my escape, depression was my comfort.

If you have ever been through depression for an extended amount of time, you’ll know that it is easy to remain there. Easy to say “ fuck it” who cares.

I used to think I felt that way ironically, but the truth is the irony is that I was just denying my feelings.

( I don’t really know what irony is, but I feel like it fits in this explanation. )

Fuck it, is an amazing feeling in the moment, but not when you want to have hope for the future.

Fuck it and future don’t mix unless you have the motivation to keep going.

Saying fuck it to expectations or limitations is positive.

Saying fuck it to mental health, hygiene, friends, and responsibilities can catch up with you might quickly.

My depression this round has caught up with me, and it has not been good.

The depression is not the hard part, the trying to get my life and moods together, is more difficult than I assumed.